And here we have it ladies and gents, American Horror Story‘s first perfect episode of the season. Simply put, Protect The Coven is a gorgeous crescendo of awesomeness.
This was masterful television on every level. I always knew Fiona and Marie’s unholy alliance would raise hell on earth, but little did I realize it would produce such astounding performances from Lange and Bassett. This was never more apparent than in the conference room sequence, which just might be the my single favorite scene of the year. Not only does Jessica Lange give one hell of a speech, but it’s punctuated by the remarkable reveal of the Axeman (disguised as the waiter) letting loose and slaughtering the witch-hunters. Naturally, he leaves only the “white devil” who Fiona makes short work of with an axe. It’s all so wonderfully thrilling and satisfying; I could genuinely rewatch it countless times.
We got an interesting twist on the proceedings this week as Spalding made a return (in spirit form) and duped Delphine into taking out Marie with allergy pills. His motivation? He wants Marie’s baby to be his “living doll”. It’s an unsettling turn of events, that makes me root for the voodoo queen even more. Writers, don’t you dare “bury” Laveau and shut her out of the season’s climactic final two hours. I’m excepting some explosive set pieces going forward.
I had assumed the writers were sending Delphine down a path of redemption but it seems she’s back to full-on psycho mode. The episode’s opening flashback did a tremendous job of showcasing Delphine’s initial descent into madness beginning with a chicken kill, and culminating with the gruesome torture of her first slave. The parallels then returned when she resumed her disturbing behavior in present day. Thankfully, the writers brilliantly contrasted these horrors with various amusing moments of Delphine’s maid duties within the coven. It’s this sort of deliciously wicked blend that elevates American Horror Story and differentiates it from your run-of-the-mill production. Genius.
– I died when Fiona claimed that Nan “fell in the tub” during her eulogy. And Marie’s “amen”? Comedy gold.
– Epic sight: Queenie dragging Delphine by a leash before the latter gets slapped by Marie. This show is such a whacky cartoon sometimes.
– Funky sequence with Delphine narrating life in the coven: doing Fiona and Marie’s nails, cleaning up after Madison, and Myrtle praising the “soup”. Plus, there’s a nifty move with the camera flying through the keyhole of Fiona’s bedroom.
– Hilarious moment: Kyle pushing Madison away from giving him a blowjob. She retaliates by telekinetically knocking out Violet.
– Cordelia taking out her own eyes was beyond brutal. And it was heartbreaking to see Fiona deciding not check on her daughter in fear of revealing any secrets.
– Anyone else kind of cheered when Myrtle slapped Violet?
– Marie calling Delphine “fugly” made me laugh out loud. Seriously.
– Tidbits from the meeting that were just phenomenal: Fiona telekinetically flinging the gun away, Fiona giggling like a school girl, the Harvard-Yale zinger, every single thing Marie did from texting on her phone to snapping a pic of the fallen devil. And of course let’s not forget: “You make a hell of a martini.” So may gems. So much perfection.
– My only beef with the episode: the ending was a tad anticlimactic with Violet and Kyle getting on the bus. Do I really care?
Cordelia: I need to do something before one more of my girls dies.
Myrtle: Your mother is Pol Pot in Givenchy. What can be done?
Madison: (to Delphine) You flush my shit bitch.
Myrtle: (to Cordelia) You seem half-mad dear.
Myrtle: Figs are mother nature’s brown diamonds. In the fall, the rotting leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate.
Myrtle: Madison, you are the worst kind of Hollywood cliche: a bobble-head with crotch-less panties.
Madison: And you’re a dried up, old hot pocket, but I don’t judge.
Myrtle: You can’t talk to me like that. I’m your elder.
Madison: Welcome to the revolution, Carrot Top. As the next Supreme, I’m gonna drag this Coven out of the Dark Ages. Crotchless panties for everyone.
Delphine: Grown man taking pleasure in a dolly-baby… unsavory.
Myrtle: It’s one of the most venomous creatures in the world… along with Fiona.
Hunter: Don’t you wanna check us for weapons?
Fiona: Cher, I took down your entire company with about as much effort as it takes for me to fix myself a Rob Roy. And Marie? Marie is immortal for Christ’s sake. You think we’re worried about guns? Which reminds me, I need a drink. Waiter, martini please, filthy. (To Marie) Do you want something?
Marie: Mmm Sprite.
Fiona: And a Sprite!
Marie: A diet Sprite!
Fiona: This is my offer to you. You disband this little merry troop of assholes, vowing never to harm another witch from now until the end of time. I would also like you to sign over your house in Barkleys Square to me, but paint it first. God knows all the money in the world can’t buy good taste.
Marie: Well now I’d like a private jet.
Fiona: And Marie wants a private jet. Too much? I don’t know maybe you’re right. Then here’s my other offer: you can all just die.
Hunter: You know killing us is not going to put an end to this war.
Marie: Maybe baby. But it’s gonna be so much fun just to watch it happen. (She clinks his glass).
I can not love this show more. Protect The Coven is my personal favorite hour of the season.