It’s finally here: the show’s first ever boring subplot. Yup, I’m talking about the adventures of Sam and Gilly – the most tedious duo of all time. Nevertheless, their storyline is saved here by one badass ending as a White Walker (eerie similar to the screechy one in the season two finale) arrives for Gilly’s baby. Here we discover just how significant dragonglass is, as Sam uses the blade discovered all the way back in season two to shatter the creature to pieces. Badass! I guess that’s how you save a subplot ladies and gents.
Melisandre however went to whole new lows this week with her brand new secret weapon: Gendry. Their extended sequence was admittedly slow, but captivating, as the Red Priestess stripped before Robert’s bastard and seduced him, only to strap him to her bed and begin sucking his blood (via leeches). Cue Stannis and the newly-released Davos, as the King began naming his enemies (Greyjoy, Joffrey and Robb) while burning the leeches. I shudder to think at what the Lord of Light will do to these three next.
Of course the highlight of the episode was Tyrion and Sansa’s wedding. This admittedly insane pairing produced some amusing (or hair-raising) moments as Joffrey bullied both groom and bride (stealing the former’s stool before the vows and threatened to rape the latter on her wedding knight). To no one’s surprise, Tyrion reminded us what a gentlemen he was as he refused to force Sansa into sleeping with him. I actually think these two could make one hell of a sneaky duo if they put their minds to it!
Finally, I just love how Dany meets with new people in her throne tent every week. The Second Sons were especially insulting and demeaning, and that made their headless appearance at the end all the more satisfying. I do wish she fried them with a little Dracarys though (I think the CGI budget was used up last week because those pesky creatures made no such appearances in this episode).
Bits & Beheadings
– Even more awesome continuity: The Hound telling Arya how he saved Sansa from gang rape long ago. Even sweeter: the fact that he’s taking her to her mother and brother. We’re getting close!
– Loved the little touch of Davos learning to read Shireen’s books.
– We finally learn what it is that Stannis saw in the flames in last year’s finale: he saw a great battle in the snow.
– Touching scene with Tyrion vowing to Sansa that he will never hurt her.
– I found it a bit uncharacteristic of Cersei to so bluntly threaten to kill Margaery. The story of the fallen House Reyne and the Rains of Castamere had more subtlety.
– The fact that Joffrey insisted on giving Sansa away at the wedding made my blood boil.
– Laugh-out loud moment with Olenna trying to make sense of all the in-laws.
– Hilarious: Cersei being completely uninterested in bonding with Lora the night of the wedding. She doesn’t even let him finish his sentence!
– Sansa is only 14! Wow!
– Missandei knows 19 languages. She corrects Dany’s Dothraki. It’s cute.
– I was somewhat afraid Daario would try something with Dany in the bathtub, so I was glad to see him swear his allegiance to her. It was a bit too easy no?
– I kind of wish Mero lasted longer though. With all the insults he hurled at Dany, he had the makings of a terrific villain. I guess new love interests are more important.
– Shae’s smile when she sees no blood on Sansa’s bed the morning after: perfection.
– Tyrion referring to himself as the God of Tits and Wine is a hilarious callback if you missed it.
– I did love that final visual with Sam and Gilly running towards the camera as flocks of birds fly behind them. So ominous.
Kings & Quips
The Hound: Where do you think I’m taking you?
Arya: Back to King’s Landing to Joffrey and the queen.
The Hound: Fuck Joffrey. Fuck the queen.
Mero: You are the Mother of Dragons? I swear I fucked you once in a pleasure house in Lys.
Barristan: Mind your tongue.
Mero: Why? I didn’t mind hers. She licked my ass like she was born to do it. (To Missendei) You, slave girl, bring wine.
Daenerys: We have no slaves here.
Mero: You’ll all be slaves after the battle unless I save you. Take your clothes off and come and sit on Mero’s lap and I may give you my Second Sons.
Daenerys: Give me your Second Sons and I may not have you gelded.
Mero: You have no ships. You have no siege weapons. You have no cavalry.
Daenerys: A fortnight ago, I had no army. A year ago, I had no dragons. You have two days to decide.
Mero: Show me your cunt. I want to see if it’s worth fighting for.
Mero: (to Daenerys) In the Second Sons, we share everything. After the battle, maybe we’ll all share you. (To Missendei) I’ll come looking for you when this is over. (He slaps her on the ass)
Daenerys: Ser Barristan, if it comes to battle, kill that one first.
Barristan: Gladly, Your Grace.
Stannis: Why bathe him and dress him in fine clothes? If it needs to be done, do it. Don’t torture the boy.
Melisandre: Have you ever slaughtered a lamb, my king?
Melisandre: If the lamb sees the knife, she panics. Her panic seeps into her meat, darkens it, fouls the flavor.
Stannis: You’ve slaughtered many lambs?
Melisandre: And none have seen the blade.
Mero: She won’t talk so much when she’s choking on my cock.
Daario: 8,000 Unsullied stand between her and your cock.
Mero: My cock will find a way. (To his whore) Tell him. Is there any place that my cock can’t reach?
Cersei: Do you know where House Reyne is now?
Cersei: Gone. A gentle word. Why not say slaughtered? Every man, woman, and child put to the sword. I remember seeing their bodies hanging high above the gates of Casterly Rock. My father let them rot up there all summer. It was a long summer. “And now the rains weep o’er their halls, and not a soul to hear.” If you ever call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.
Tyrion: There will be no bedding ceremony.
Joffrey: There will be if I command it.
Tyrion: Then you’ll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock.
A solid hour with sharp dialogue and some monumental developments. Season’s almost done people!