Scream Queens 1×01/02 – Pilot / Hell Week

If Glee and American Horror Story had a baby, Scream Queens would be it. And trust me when I tell you, that’s a good thing!

There’s something so strangely charming about Ryan Murphy’s latest creation. The tone is campy and outrageous, but the sharp dialogue and stellar direction make it an enjoyable watch. The pilot does an impressive job of crafting the show’s crazy world, while amping up the intensity with a range of colourful and creative kills as a masked psychopath begins slaughtering sorority girls.

Amidst all the craziness, it’s Emma Roberts and Jaime Lee Curtis who keep the show afloat with their excellent performances. Roberts is terrific as the evil Chanel (who has a team of minions trailing her every move), while Curtis is obviously relishing playing a somewhat offbeat role. It feels like she might end up being the show’s hero in one way or another, and the fact that she’s so flawed makes that prospect all the more enticing.

I also need to take a moment and praise Neicy Nash for her astounding performance as Denise Hempsville, the cowardly security guard tasked with protecting the sorority girls. I flat-out died when she kicked Shondell’s body out of her car, not to mention when she counted down her three-step program for protecting the girls. Here’s hoping this standout character gets a whole lot of screen-time going forward.

Screams & Slices

–SO MANY great lines. See the Quotes section below.

– The show’s title font is hilariously pink and cheap.

– So many gory and gruesome visuals: the ex-sorority queen getting burned while tanning, Chanel’s maid getting her face fried, and so much more.

– The minion slapping herself made me smile.

– Candle Vlogger? Hysterical. Particularly with Chanel’s reaction while watching the video.

– I laughed out loud when Chanel forced Ms. Bean to “organise the trash” in the coffeeshop.

– Grace and Pete, the show’s two do-gooders, are painfully boring. No surprise there.

– Grace’s dad, Wes, however could prove very fun, particularly since Dean Muncsh will seemingly grow an obsession with him.

– The fact that Cathy is sleeping with Chad is just the kind of demented Ryan Murphy twist that works.

– So all the Chanels want to be news anchors? That’s priceless. Life goals.

– Ariana Grande’s much-hyped performance was actually very amusing. I love how she was tweeting right until the very end. In fact, her entire death sequence was brilliant and a great parody of our obsession with our pesky mobile phones.

– Lawnmower Taylor Swift – too funny!

– I hated Lea Michelle on Glee but she was surprisingly not annoying here.

– So Cathy and Bean covered up the original murder? Interesting.

– Boone being alive and in cahoots with the Red Devil killer – Honestly didn’t see that one coming!

– Believe it or not I’m actually rooting for Wes and Gigi to get together! Their chemistry is off the charts!

– Who doesn’t love a good male power ballad?

– “Sluts Will Die” should definitely be printed on T-shirts everywhere.

Queen Quips

Girl: Give the baby some mojito to quiet it down.

Chanel: That obese specimen of human filth scrubbing bulimia vomit out of the carpet is Ms. Bean. I call her White Mammy because she’s essentially a house slave.

Chanel: Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch, or is that just a coincidence?

Cathy: And Kappa is the source of rampant reports of alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, racism, as well as allegations of bestiality-
Chanel: No one forced that goat to get as drunk as it got. That’s on him.

Gigi: We have a side boob mixer, followed by a white party, where everyone is encouraged to wear/be white.

Girl: Okay. Someone turn me into Jada Pinkett Smith.

Wes: And I know you think sororities are some kind of, like, magical sisterhood, but it’s actually Game of Thrones once you pull back the veneer.

Zayday: Ooh, somebody call CSI, because there was a murder scene in that bathroom.

Chad: Okay, I need you to leave because you’re bumming me out, and you’re bumming Boone out. (Chanel scoffs) And we’re just trying to have a nice day hitting golf balls at hippies.

Chanel: If Dean Munsch gets her way, Kappa’s gonna be filled with fatties and ethnics. The fatties will bring their big old appetites, and you know what those ethnics will bring with them? Weird spices from their home countries. That is a nuclear combination, Ms. Bean. The weird ethnic spices will send the fatties racing to the bathroom to blow liquid fire out of their huge, swollen bowels. Think of the splash back. Think of the undersides of all of the toilets that you’re gonna have to sanitize, Ms. Bean. I don’t want that. I don’t want that for you.

Grace: There’s a dead woman in your kitchen.
Chanel: Ms. Bean was a servant; She knew the risks.

Cathy: I’m making less than the 26-year-old assistant football coach who bangs the same brand of perky 19-year-olds my husband left me for two years ago. You’re awful in bed. Are you aware? I mean, just… the worst.
Chad: What? What… Did I not take you there?
Cathy: Look what I’ve stooped to. Getting sex by blackmailing students on academic probation.
Chad: Look, I need to say something. I’m in love with you.
Cathy: Of course you are. Because that’s the only way this situation could get more depressing. Please leave.
Chad: I will, but I’m gonna take a pair of your panties.
Cathy: I’m gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here. And go take a psychology course. Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting mommy issues.
Chad: It was, you know, probably my mom.
Cathy: Okay.
Chad: Um, I’m gonna call you.
Cathy: As I can’t destroy every phone on Earth, that’ll remain a possibility.

Number three: What does this oath even mean?
Chanel: I don’t know, Number Three. I didn’t spend a lot of time on the Internet looking through different blood oaths. I just need you all to not say anything about what happened, and I figured a blood oath was cheaper than buying you all presents.

Chanel: Idiot, you don’t get STDs from blood oaths. You get STDs from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico.

Number three: We can’t just leave her here; she was our friend.
Chanel: Meh.

Chanel: Good evening, idiot hookers.

Tiffany: Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating?

Cathy: I’ve got news for you, self-involved junior, just because you know a guy who was in class with a dead girl’s roommate does not mean that it could have been you.

Gigi: We can make it fun, huh? Like a Friends episode. But someone’s, you know… trying to murder all the friends.

Gigi: Well, I knew we needed a top-notch security company, so I let my fingers do the walkin’. I checked the Yellow Pages.
Number three: What’s that?

Chanel: She had a baby during a party, and the sisters let her bleed out because they were having so much fun.
Grace: That is awful.
Chanel: I don’t know. Supposedly, it was a super fun party.

Chad: News flash, Chanel: I’m hot. Everybody wants to get with this. Women, men, animals in the zoo, plants, probably.

Chanel: I am a future network news anchor. That involves a little thing called the media, which is, like, chock-full of gays. If I presided over the first sorority ever to accept a gay, imagine how far that would get me with my future gay makeup person, my gay wardrobe person, not to mention my creepy, gross, gay viewers and weird, gay higher-ups.

Denise: Shondell, why you got a knife in your throat?!

Chanel: If anyone here’s a psychopath, it’s Neckbrace.
Hester: Oh, my God, thank you.

Chanel: Yeah, where were you when Deaf Taylor Swift had her mowed off?

Conclusion
A creative and ambitious dramedy with some of the wittiest dialogue of the year. This one might actually have potential going forward (if you’re into this sort of thing).

Nad Rating
B+